About 13-14 years ago if my memory serves me right, I was walking through a hard divorce with a friend at work. One morning we were grabbing a coffee and talking, and I vividly remember him saying, “The only thing that could be worse than going through a divorce would be being paralyzed.” He then went on to say, “If I was paralyzed, I would simply take my life, wouldn’t you?” I remember pausing and thinking, one I had never really thought about being paralyzed or what that may or may not look like and secondly taking my life seemed extreme, so I responded, “No I wouldn’t take my life.” And little did I know that I would get to deal with both.
What I didn’t realize or recognize is how often this thought might float through my head. And I don’t know why I feel the need to share this other than this is part of my journey to healing. And as we are in what they to as S.A.D. season (Seasonal Affective Disorder, it’s a real thing in PNW). For me S.A.D. is real, and depression has been real since injury. This is not something I had to deal with prior to injury. I did not let the weather, nor did I deal with circumstances of not being able to do things or being left behind because I couldn’t do things. I didn’t feel like a burden, nuisance, or responsibility. I didn’t rely on family, friends and whoever as much for daily living.
And I guess maybe if someone reads this and can know that they are not alone, they are normal, they are needed and that there are options and hope out there, if you are willing to reach out. Life and then what we all went through with all the various levels of government COVID mandates impacted all our mental health, some more than others. So we need to remember we don’t know what our kids, spouse, neighbor, family member, and so on is going through and we must be willing to offer grace. With that said, I will share something very vulnerable……..
It’s a real pain pushing a wheelchair in the rain, transferring and having your chair slide out and falling on the ground in the wet. So, you tend to think twice before going out and a lot of the time it’s just easier to stay inside and home. Then there is getting soaked while your lift puts you in the car, that is a real drag as well. That’s just the thought of getting out the door, depending on where you are going there could be another 10-20 things you’re thinking about. Then COVID started and the last couple years have extrapolated the impact of isolation as it became even harder due to go places, do things and even connect with friends and family.
Recently I attended a Christopher Reeve mental health chat where I found out that I’m part 8% of the United States population. And roughly 47% of the 8% of spinal cord injuries, that’s almost half of us go through some level of depression. During COVID this number increased even more. So, what do we do with that? For me it was a, “I’m not weak, a loser or some loose nut” moment. I just need help!
I was injured in 2013, C5/6 complete quadriplegic told I would never move again and that my life would never be the same. This day dramatically impacted me, Sarah, boys, family, extended family, friends, co-workers and so on. I would like to think I came out of the gate “full speed” and charging and determined to show everyone nothing had changed. Cyclocross races didn’t stop, soccer didn’t stop, I went back to work 6 months after injury, started driving shortly after going back to work, wanted to be “motivational” so spoke at a couple churches and high school rally, whitewater rafting, trips, conferences, started a non-profit foundation, raising 4 boys, trying to be best husband I could, and so on you just keep pushing and fighting for anything.
“Determined to show everyone nothing has changed”, why?
Why didn’t or could I not accept not only was there changes, but EVERYTHING had changed!
Pride, I was too prideful and didn’t want to admit I needed help!
broken4purpose 
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