Why is it that even when it is so obvious that we need help we can still be so stubborn to ask for it to the point we are willing to go to the ultimate extreme? If I’m gone everyone’s life is better and they can move on. No one wants to be or deal with a paralyzed person.
Initially I had thought, “I have been injured before and this was no different, I would recover and be stronger”. And then it never happened. And I was laid off work, had to navigate interviewing from a wheelchair and all the self-esteem issues along with that, and something like 70% of people with disabilities don’t have a job and for quadriplegics like me I have heard 10% work. Eventually, I found a job and then that company shut down after 2 years. And then…. I couldn’t find work and we had to sell my dream house and move into a double wide trailer.
Then the feeling of dealing with, “I was a failure and could no longer be the provider I once was.” Along with not being able to do the things I use to with Sarah and boys, like a simple bike ride, hike or coaching soccer. Which made me feel like a bad father and I could always see pain and desire in boys eyes to do those things with dad. The responsibility to try and figure out how I was going to provide for Sarah and 4 boys. No one wanted to hire me, “I had lost my value and I was a failure as a human”. Look at everything I have put my family through, injury and now taking them away from the house we all loved, because I was paralyzed and unemployable.
I eventually found work in a completely different industry and tried so hard to make it work and show up every day. After a while I received a call that would get me back in telecom, finally I thought. Wrong, still wasn’t happy. Then COVID hits and I go from already isolated to completely isolated. Then another better paying opportunity, that will do it, wrong. Major car accident where I rolled my van 3 times and could have easily killed Sarah, Jude, and myself very traumatic. On top of that we just added a pop-up camper on top to it and had all these great dreams and visions of great adventures. Totaled in one night, another “hope” ripped away.
An angel was watching over us that night and all we walked away with was cuts and bruises, and o ya more trauma! And when you already have very little freedom and ability to do things independently and then you go months without transportation, independence, freedom, in the middle of COVID where everyone is already feeling no freedom. It’s really hard on one mentally and emotionally.
And I think literally after every little negative thing it just keeps adding up and the wheels fall off, all you can see is negative. Even though it’s not the truth but the scale is so tipped it’s just too hard to see the positive around you.
So, in Feb of 2021 with encouragement I finally went to see a therapist where I was diagnosed as clinically depressed. Hard pill to swallow and accept. I had thought about taking my life many times up to this point and thought of how. At one point before being diagnosed, I was so desperate for help and attention that I tried to make it look like I tried to take my life which failed, as no one even noticed what I was hoping to get across. Another failure. I was suppose to be strong?
Going back to pride, I finally had to deal with the elephant in the room. I have been getting professional help for over a year now. I have reached out to some solid brothers and built a needed support team around me, I have re-engaged with the church community, I have started reading, getting active again, getting outside my comfort zone and coaching again from a wheelchair, left cooperate for non-profit, and started meditating twice a day.
I have had to own that my inability to get the needed help when I needed it has repercussions, and that is life. I cannot blame other’s reaction to my behavior from my illness and not be willing to understand what this may have triggered in them. However, I will not play victim, just because I battled depression and was too prideful to reach out, I own that. All of us must be accountable for the actions we take or don’t take. Trauma explains behavior but does not excuse behavior.
broken4purpose 
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